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Vic Clements

Name: Victor Clements

Age: 37

Weight: Middleweight

Distinguishing Marks: One long brown mark permanently residing on the underside of my pants.

Nicknames: Skiddy, Foghorn Leghorn, Cement, Brad

Role: I used to be a batsman but now I try to focus on putting opposition batsmen off by farting prodigiously behind the stumps.

Claim to Fame: I was approached by Richard Branson to power one of his round the world balloon trips. He thought that if he took me and a big bag of sprouts, it would be less weight to carry than a burner and fuel. Unfortunately it all fell through when during testing, one of my farts was so caustic, it rotted the basket we were travelling in. On further examination, it was discovered that my anal gases contravened strict air quality controls in 85% of United Nations member states.

Greatest Moment in Cricket: I can’t stop, I have got to go and mud out. I’m touching cloth here!