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Sack In The Box Could Mean Jack In The Dock

A man is facing court and an immediate public inquiry has been launched after it was discovered that a leading Sessionseeker's sack fell foul of strict EU regulations.

Ray "Jimmy" Faulkner has been carrying a full sack for several seasons now, but a recent spot-check in January of this year revealed that his normally full sack had been emptied to just 14% of EU acceptable levels. In 1997, the European Parliament issued a directive stating that any sack belonging to an EU citizen over the age of 30 should be at least 70% full between Monday and Friday, and 50% full otherwise. In layman's terms, this means that the average sack must be two-thirds full during weekdays with some emptying up to a maximum of half full allowed at weekends or during religious festivals. And birthdays.

Faulkner's sack registered a meagre 10% on the scale of fullness at a random test conducted at half time behind the main stand at an Adders game recently. EU officials decreed this to be a direct breach of European law and referred the matter to the Crown Prosecution Service. Due to the severity of the decline in the sack's holding, police were immediately called in to investigate but as yet have no significant leads as to why the sack has shrunk so much since the last test, although it is felt that stoating is probably to blame.

Jean-Pierre LaMerde, a leading EU authority on sack fullness told us yesterday that Faulkner had been so consistently above the level required for many years, that Brussels were considering removing him from the list of people earmarked for routine testing. "Eet seems remarkable zat someone so often carrying the fullest sack possible could all of a sudden lose all of it's, 'ow you say, - contents. Eef ee was to 'ave passed zis time, we would not 'ave tested eem again." he said.

Whilst faults in the testing procedure cannot yet be eliminated, regulars at Faulkner's local, The Gate, remained tight-lipped on the subject. Rumours of Shandy drinking and repeated handling of half-pint vessels have only added fuel to the flames of flagrant slander concerning the sack in question being emptied on more than one occasion on the forecourt of Smith's Garage. After rummaging through his dustbins, our reporters asked colleagues of the popular Faulkner if they had any ideas as to the mystery of the shrinking sack. Only one source, who requested anonymity, interviewed discreetly outside his Mum's house at 96 St. George's Road, Atherstone, Warwickshire, CV9 2TC, came forward. "He's got duty, youth" is all he would and indeed could, say.