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"Pie
Shy Guy? Not I" Says Hippopotamus
A
special offer in Sainsbury's has been cited as the principal reason why
former Atherstone bruiser Matthew "Cakey" Bates has been
piling on the pounds since his move to Kent.
When
he left Atherstone four months ago to take up a post as a full-time quality
control operative at a biscuit factory in Deal, man-mountain Bates
weighed
in at a relatively svelte 19 stones, but since then his bulk has rocketed
to an elephantine 36 stones. His next-door neighbour, the Duchess of
Kent
said "He certainly is rather large, in fact he's the biggest thing
I have ever seen - and I've been on safari. When the Duke of Edinburgh
came down last weekend I had to beg the Prince not to shoot him."
A
special "buy one get one free" offer on Sainsbury's pork pies
is to blame for his astronomical weight gain according to friends of the
charismatic lummox. "Shortly after he moved down here, I remember
Sainsbury's offering pork pies at two for the price of one" said
Ross Kemp, TV's bad boy Grant Mitchell in EastEnders. Bates was reputedly
buying up to twenty thousand pies a day on his Dad's credit card and
extra
lorries had to be put on to cope with the demand. He even got his girlfriend
to build an extension on the house so that additional refrigerators could
be installed to stockpile the bland pastry snack.
With
his voracious appetite becoming an increasing concern for those around
him, matters seemed to have reached a head when for three days, Bates
became trapped in a downstairs toilet, such was his planetoid girth. Fire
crews has to use bulldozers to demolish a wall to enable the heart-attack
in-waiting to escape from the potentially lethal fumes of his own porcine
faeces.
But
worse was to follow, as a deeply depressed "Cake" took a stroll
on the Kent Downs one Sunday evening. He recalls "I had just woken
up and I remember feeling very sorry for myself. I could no longer see
the television because my breasts had become so enormous - I just wanted
the ground to swallow me up." Which is exactly what happened as the
earth gave way under his feet, unable to take the strain and he plunged
over a hundred feet down into a disused coalmine. "Fortunately I
landed on my backside which cushioned the blow somewhat, but it was at
this point that I decided I had to lose some weight. Luckily Sainsbury's
had to withdraw the special offer earlier than expected due to severe
stock shortages and in the next month or two I lost nearly two pounds
while putting on only one stone!" he beamed. "The future is
looking rosy for me at the moment - next week Safeway have a similar offer
on Weight-watcher's Shepherd's Pies, which means I will be able to eat
up to four times as much as normal." One week into the promotion,
we tried to catch up with Bates who was unavailable for comment as perhaps
unsurprisingly he had his mouth full.
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