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You Great Big Dirty Ponce
 Happy
Shopper drinker Manny Alcock told the world yesterday of the shame he
has bought upon his family after announcing at a packed press conference
that he is lightweight. The startling revelation came after months of
intense speculation had finally become too much for the skeletal pad-merchant
to bear. He told a crowded White Horse pub in Atherstone that he felt
the time was right for him to come out and tell the world he is lightweight.
A tearful Alcock, known as "Belsen" to his friend broke the
news to a not altogether surprised gathering late last night.
"It is with great regret that I make this announcement" he
said before going to the toilet after treading in somebody's spilt Tizer. "Today,
I have decided to put an end to all the vicious rumours that are circulating
about me. My family have been put through hell over the last few months
and I cannot hide my true identity any longer. I have decided to come
out and tell the world that I am lightweight. All my life I have pretended
that I can drink like normal people and that I really do enjoy a pint
of lager, but I have been living a lie. I have to own up and tell the
truth. When all my fellow players hit the bar and order pints, I have
always been sat at the back secretly craving half a lager top. I have
been made to feel dirty and ashamed but I cannot help who I am and the
feelings I have, and now if people don't like it then it's tough. I am
proud to be a part of the lightweight community and see today as the
start of a new beginning."
When asked why he has waited until now to make public what most people
already knew to be true, he retorted angrily "It's really no-one
else's business what I drink or who I drink with. Sure, I have dabbled
with lemonade in all manner of beverages but so what? It's my life and
my choice." But in an about-turn, he added "But this is not
a day for retribution or sorrow. We must celebrate the start of a new
chapter in my life where I am free and liberated. All drinks are on me,
just so long as they are halves of weak Kaliber shandy tops - with a
dash of lemonade. And lime."
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