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Goose to Stoat

Stoat-king Paul "Goose" Mander announced his forthcoming departure from the club at a press conference yesterday. Goose, who knows Shacky, claimed the reason behind the move was a change of job, but sources close to the balding dead-bat revealed that the real reason is duty.

"It's like Cakey all over again" one team-mate said. "His bird calls the shots, which is just as well because Goose doesn't have any, and she has got him to buy a house in Towcester as she starts her new job in Milton Keynes in September" - Mander meanwhile will continue in his current role as a stock auditor.

The decision comes midway through the season when Mander has enjoyed his most successful stint for the club to date. For years he was used as a bowler, but a persistent toe injury caused from repeated short-pitched deliveries forced him to become a batter. Already scorer of over 100 runs on a Sunday this year, Goose, whose actress namesake Claire is currently dating Treasurer Chris Horton, has never been so keen to play.

Sunday skipper Tommy Cooper said "Once he got a sniff of a few runs, he has been burning down from Macclesfield every Sunday to play. He can't keep away - hopefully he will be prepared to make the trip from Towcester in future but that's only if he will be allowed out as we all know where his priorities lie. Duty has always come first for Goosy."

Mander was recently honoured in the Queen's Birthday honours with a special outstanding achievement award for services to duty. His stoating exploits have become legendary in Atherstone and it can only be a matter of time before there are little goslings running around the happy Mander household. He has already clocked up a staggering amount of duty since meeting his munter and friends say that the patter of tiny feet cannot be far away.

Club Secretary Paul Oldham told us "As a teacher, his girlfriend is naturally a big fan of kids and I reckon it's touch and go as to what comes first - the wedding or a babby!" Heavily-chained Mander meanwhile was tight-lipped on the subject of wedlock, preferring instead to sweat and fart profusely.