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Seeker Admits To Causing Floods

Atherstone cricket player Vic Clements made an amazing confession last night in a hastily arranged press conference held at the Club. In a shock statement, the veteran batsman revealed that he was personally responsible for last year's storm and flood damage that ravaged the nation, and that climatic changes were also likely to be directly attributable to him.

It seems that Clements’s notorious bottom had been working overtime, filling the air with highly toxic fart gases. The 38 year old has been unable to control his lethal anal emissions since the end of the season, although others may argue that this has been the case since birth. It was one Saturday when an enormous gust let rip through the county of Warwickshire causing carnage as trees were felled and power lines came crashing down.

Scientists originally thought there had been an earthquake and found the epicentre to be in Galley Common, but as river levels rose sharply it soon became apparent that there was more to this than there first appeared. In an emotional statement, a tearful Clements revealed how he had just sat down on the toilet one Saturday morning when disaster struck. “I was preparing to mud out as normal and even had the local paper open at the sports pages. I had been for a curry the night before and had some scrambled eggs for breakfast, but I couldn’t believe what happened next, for when I curled my first one out, the force of the fart propelling the dump caused the toilet to crack in two. I was aghast that my bathroom had flooded but nothing could prepare me for what was in store nationwide. When I went outside to put something in the bin, I realised what I had done. There was water everywhere, next door’s house had collapsed and electricity pylons were down as far as the eye could see. Only after seeing the heartache caused in parts of Yorkshire, did I decide to come forward and admit my crime.” he said.

Since this incredible revelation, boffins at nearby Grendon University have discovered that the greenhouse effect, widely thought to be the underlying cause of climate change, is really happening. However, whereas before, it was thought that carbon dioxide emissions and hydrocarbons from petrol powered road vehicles were predominantly to blame, further research has found that methane constitutes 98% of total greenhouse gases.

DNA matches to pieces of brown organic matter found amongst the methane high up in the Earth’s atmosphere led the Scientists back to Galley Common, in particular the Clements household. “Whilst it is a completely new phenomenon, I can only surmise that one individual has been single-handedly responsible for climate change” a scientific bloke with beard, socks and sandals said yesterday. Clements was quick to defend himself after hearing this charge. “It wasn’t just me - my brother-in-law Dave [Blower] is just as bad.” he claimed. Team-mates were unavailable for comment as they were down at the market stocking up on clothes pegs to protect their noses, in preparation for the coming season.