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Are You Doing Your Duty?

A recent report has given an interesting insight into the private lives of top Atherstone cricket players and the amount of duty they do.

A dozen leading luminaries from the Ratcliffe Road side were polled as to the amount they of time they set aside each week for being on duty. This figure was divided to give a daily average. The results confirm that while the majority of players put in a couple of hours a day, some are putting in enormous stints to the extent that it could have irreversible damaging effects on their health.

Ginger leggie, Robert Boal topped the chart with an incredible average of 27 hours a day. Boal who famously tattooed his girlfriend's image onto the insides of his eyelids so he can keep an eye on her when he is asleep, achieved the feat by watching videos of her whilst they were both at home together which enabled him to double part of his score.

The only time he has been absent from Carrie in the last decade was way back in 1992 when he accidentally put the rubbish out, alone. Verging on the obsessive, Boal takes her into work in the back of his van and has even been known on some jobs to carry her halfway up his ladder to avoid overly distancing himself.

Matt "Cakey" Bates is a distant second with fourteen hours a day after recently moving to Kent in order to clock up more time on duty. Paul Mander weighs in third with a bulky seven hours, over twice the recommended daily allowance, but most club members are around the national average of three hours.

Paul Oldham clocked up a paltry 0.5 hours, simply due to the fact that wife Sally inadvertently became locked in the club garage one day while strolling round trying to find her husband who was inside making sandcastles out of loam.

But this survey revealed a sad tale too, for five years ago, Mat Jones had done more duty than the entire population of Poland, yet now he has been made redundant and paints a dejected picture at the bottom of the list. We approached the Jones household for an interview, only to be told that the large chinned engineer was still in the showers.