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ASK THE ADDERS, YOUTH!

Welcome to the newest section of the Atherstone CC Website, the Club’s answer to Dear Deirdre. Each week, we get letters from all over the UK ranging from fan-mail wanting pictures of Chris Horton naked, to people with far less serious problems. To deal with this huge bulging sack, we ask different players to deal with each letter to share the workload.

I am a 14-year-old girl and over the summer I went on holiday to Greece with my parents where I met the most wonderful man. He was a waiter at the hotel where we stayed and from the moment I met him, I knew it was true love and not some silly holiday romance. He said he loved me like he’d never loved anyone else before and I knew he meant it. On the last night I’d had a bit to drink and he said he wanted to make a real woman of me and prove his love before I went back to Bedworth. We made love but he could not wear a condom, as he is a strict Catholic. Now my period is four weeks late and I have a lot of itching and soreness around my vagina. I am worried I might be pregnant, but I thought this couldn’t happen the first time you do it. I don’t know what to do for the best – please help.
Anon, 14, Bedworth

Manny Alcock says:
Fuck me ragged! Are you fucking simple or what? Fuckin’ ‘ell! Classic shag you and leave you Greek. Mind you, they’re all the same. I don’t trust any of them – they are all swarthy rapists with their pizzas and paellas. We should bomb the lot of them – that’s if there are any mud huts left to bomb! Sounds like he’s got you up the duff, you want to get rid of it – they’re no good these Greeks!

I suffer quite badly from piles and have tried all kinds of medication from “Preparation H” to “Germoloids” and they still hang down like two bags of prize-winning onions. I have thought about surgery but my doctor says I am not a priority case. Should I go private or should I just grit my teeth and continue to watch television from the comfort of a large Michelin tractor tyre?
N. Stiles, Manchester

Vic Clements says:
“ Sounds as though you are in a spot of bother old lad. I’d definitely get them looked at again. If you cannot afford to go private try investing in a roll-top bathtub and two bits of plywood. Fill the tub up with warm water and dangle your grapes in using the wood as supports. This should help you to watch telly without much pain – unless you are watching a Liverpool match!

I like to watch football on TV but my wife prefers programmes like ER and Casualty, which I cannot stand. She says I am being selfish as there is football on most nights, but to me it is real whilst these hospital-based soaps are fictitious drivel with pretty much the same plot line week after week. How can I watch more football without upsetting my wife?
A Moron, Birmingham

Adi Williams says:
“ You want to put your foot down youth. Just tell her who’s boss and she’ll soon pipe down. Anyway, what are you doing with a telly in the kitchen? Surely she should be concentrating on making your tea without having any distractions.”

Two years ago my husband died in a horrible car accident. I was at home and he left the house after we had a row about there not being much milk left in the fridge. We had been married for thirty-seven years and hardly ever had a crossed word. I feel so guilty that the last words I said to him were angry ones and there was really no need for him to have gone out of the house because we had some long-life milk in the cupboard. I feel so heartbroken that he has gone in such needless circumstances too and had I not been so pig-headed he would still be with me. My friends all said that time will make things easier but if anything it’s getting worse. I have practically driven my children away with my mood-swings and I cannot see any reason to live now the love of my life has gone. We did everything together; he was my best friend and soul mate. I have thought about ending it but it seems a cowardly way out. I really don’t know what to do – I lost my job just before Christmas and I can’t even afford to get my Grandson a birthday present.
Doris Doakes, Gravesend

Matthew Sworowski says:
“ Oh.”

I recently bought a goldfish from our pet shop the other day but it died the day we got it home. I feel a bit silly taking it back to the pet shop but I feel slightly cheated as something was clearly not right. What should I do?
A Muppet, Aberdeen

Martin Cooper says:
“ How the fuck should I know?”